Free Will In Montana

A lot of living...

2009-09-03T21:59:00.002-06:00

I've been absent from blogging because I spent the last few months LIVING...the good, the bad - what a roller coaster. I've even considered giving up this blog, as a friend of mine said she thinks a part of me died when my cancer was removed. And I think it was the part I didn't need. Perhaps it's time to write a new chapter.

To sum up my activities over the summer:

Finished Chemo.
Fell in love.
Said subject of love fest fell ill with a recurrence of cancer.
Subject dumped me before he moved for a stem cell transplant.
Back to me again...kayaked with a group of cancer survivors for a week. Awesome!
Drove to Salt Lake City to see bro, sis and nephew.
Got a job - became a cubicle hopper again.
HAIR - growing like crazy!
I'm glad to be alive.

Tingling Toes, Mysterious Rashes, and Hot Flashes

2009-04-22T11:27:00.003-06:00

I'm past treatment #6, with only two more to go! That means in less than three weeks, I'll be completely DONE with chemo. I'm SO happy, you can not imagine. Spring is finally here, and I'm feeling like I can get on with my life very soon.

New side effects I'm dealing with are neuropathy (fingers and feet), which SHOULD go away shortly after I'm done with treatment, but the doctor has me on three supplements which are supposed to help (I'm not sure if they are helping), so I'm starting up acupuncture again. In the last week, I've also gotten a couple of rashes on my body which I thought might have been attributed to hanging out with horses last weekend, but I'm starting to think it's related to Taxol. And the worst, hot flashes. I'm hot, cold, night sweats and I really hope these will go away after treatment. Unfortunately, no one can guarantee that my menstrual cycles will come back after chemo, so there is a chance this will push me into menopause - And then I wonder WHY did I do this? Even with all these side effects, and the low energy from cumulative chemo, I feel better than on the old drug (AC).

And everyone is having their own troubles. People and pets are being diagnosed with cancer all the time. Life simply goes on, with its losses and triumphs. For now, it's spring and my toes are painted ready to show the world. Oh, my Dad shows up today for a visit. I'm very excited!

Finally Lost a Load & Life with the Beautiful People

2009-04-05T12:32:00.004-06:00

Yesterday was a milestone for me. I puked! It was the first time through all this chemo, and I haven't even been feeling nauseas on this new drug! It really snuck up on me. I attribute it to the pain meds I was taking for leg pain. BUT, by evening, I was wolfing down succulant ribs at a party hosted by "the beautiful people".

By Beautiful people (and I need to say this with a special drawn-out accent - "beaauuut-i-ful"), I mean a party at my plastic surgeon's home. It was a very nice party at which I couldn't help but stare at the guests' faces and breasts to see if they, too, were patients of the doctor. Bad me. It's a new world being surrounded by people who have the desire to fix their faces and bodies - a club, of sorts. I have to admit, it was nice to be part of the club, even if I didn't electively join. However, I wasn't about to show my cellulite and jump into the hot tub! Lately, I've become more obsessed with researching options for breast alteration so MAYBE I'll have the option of being symmetrical, and never wearing a bra again! I might as well get perky breasts out of the deal, right? Having a "bra burning" party sounds really cathartic at the moment.

My friend with lymphoma was released from the hospital. A number of tests were run on her, but it sounds like they were inconclusive. I'm afraid she is still in for a long, rough fight....hmmm....we are in SUCH different situations. I'm partying with the beaaauuuutiful people, and she's fighting for her life. I can only say that my willingness to grab for any bits of happiness is very high right now, and I need some fun in my life after a long winter.

Growing Pains

2009-04-03T13:17:00.003-06:00

So, I'm beyond treatment #5. Whooo hooo! That means only three more to go, and dare I say it...dare I say...I see some hair starting to grow! The drug I'm on for the second half of the protocol is not as toxic, therefore, I'm not having any nausea. I am, however, having massive leg pains. Today, the nurses told me that I had permission to come home and take some heavy pain killers. I'm doing just that, since I was tossing and turning most of the night with these leg pains. Ironically, they feel just like the growing pains I had when I was a kid.

When approaching my decision to undergo chemo, I decided to look at this as a "re-boot" of my body. So it's fitting that Spring is starting to show up, sprouts are starting to grow on my head, and I'm having the growing pains I had when I was a kid.

On a more serious note, I've met some other chemo patients who have left me feeling conflicted. One imparticular has left me gnawing at my deepest fears, avoidance, boundary issues, questions of life and health - and questioning how much one should give of themselves? Is it healthy to be so "together" all the time? This woman has lymphoma, and two other major diseases. She is constantly needing IV hydration, and for some reason she is drawn to me. Part of me wants to run away screaming because I "only" have breast cancer (what a joke), and I don't feel nearly as bad as she does. But the reality is that she has chosen to befriend me at the most vulnerable time in her life. I only met her two weeks ago, and although she had already finished her chemo, I could tell she was facing many more challenges than I am. Now, she is in the hospital with a pulminary embolism. What is it that made me want to run away, to not want to be part of that "category"...well, it's the same thing that makes others not want to be around me. They're perception of what I'm going through or how it could affect them is too scary. It's too foreign to their own world. Unfortunately, I don't feel strong enough to give as much as perhaps I should, but that's where I am. And I sense that this woman is used to giving too much of herself, and not taking care of herself FIRST.

So, I'll just sit with this for a while, along with the drugs. How much should we give of ourselves? How close should we get to strangers, when they invite us into their cacoon of struggle?

How to "Flip that Switch"

2009-03-10T14:21:00.003-06:00

I’m past my 3rd chemo treatment and almost to the half-way point of the whole protocol. Yeah! My friends and I had a head-shaving party, in which a total of six people shaved their heads. What support! A couple weeks ago I went into my doctor’s office and told him I was “really pissed off” at the way some people looked at and/or treated me. I told him, “I don’t want people looking at me like I’m going to die!” And, it’s become clear that I have lost some income from at least one client because of their PERCEPTION of what cancer and what its treatment involves. I want to shake them all and say, I’M STILL HERE!

My doctor said this was a healthy response, so I’m going with it.

However, at the same time, my chemo buddy admitted to me the other day that she doesn’t know how to stop thinking of her mortality…how to start thinking that she will be a survivor, even though the statistics are in her favor. She’s having a hard time flipping that switch in her brain, and it was hard for me to come up with the words to help her. Statistics are statistics, but she has a family to think about. What can one say to ease this uncertainty? We’re all going to die? Ouch. You’ll be a better mother? Ouch. I remember one nurse saying to me “This is a gift you’ve been given. Cancer is a GIFT”. I took it ok, but someone has to be in the right frame of mind to look at it that way.

So I guess what I’ve learned is you can’t judge someone until you’ve walked in their shoes, and if you don’t know what to say, just say that. Don’t make assumptions about how someone is feeling.

Since my last posting, I’ve won a free night stay at a local historical hotel by guessing what the DOW would end at in 2008, and I’ve also won at the slot machines with friends this last weekend. I may be going through chemo, but I still think I’m a lucky charm :)

Maybe I’m warped.

“I feel drunk.” “That’s not a bad thing,” she said.

2009-01-31T14:32:00.002-07:00

I finally had my first treatment on Tuesday, even though my white blood cell count was even lower than before! It wasn’t all that bad, but the most disconcerting moment was when I stood up to go to the bathroom – the medicine bag was empty and blood from my port starting backing up into the line. So there I stood with a couple feet of blood-red tubing hanging out of me. “Um, I think I have a problem here,” I said to the nurse. Yuck!

I went to the bathroom and had a hot flash. I’ve heard chemo causes hot flashes, but I think this was the result of seeing so much of my body fluid so far outside of my body – too soon for the real hot flashes to begin!

That evening was hell. Two days later, my white blood cell count was UP! Hmmm, either my body really really likes chemo :), or Tibetan medicine has been helping me. I feel like the last three days has been a blur; I’ve been a walking drunk with a lot of hiccups, usually looking quite well, but always wondering what exactly I did the day before. One night I thought I would make twice-baked potatoes, only to find I was boiling them. The thought of having permanent brain damage has terrified me.

Today, I’m off all my anti-nausea meds, and feeling more like myself than before. Yesterday, I went to a movie with my chemo buddy (yes, I really remember). We talked about wigs, and whether or not we want them. Amazingly, my insurance company won’t pay for a wig. Even though the policy covers prosthesis, they say hair is not a “body part”. There is a lot of help for women with cancer, moms with cancer, low-income women with cancer, and yet I’m still afraid of being discriminated against, which is why I don’t update my Facebook page, or answer e-mails from long lost colleagues. That is a hurdle I have yet to overcome – the long term financial implications of being “marked”.

To Chemo, or Not to Chemo

2009-01-23T01:49:00.001-07:00

This has been the big dilemma in my mind over the last few weeks. I lean towards natural and alternative therapies, but I’ve learned through past experiences that healing comes in all forms, including the knife. Maybe even chemo?

At the oncologist’s office, I was under intense pressure to start chemo right away. They had not heard me when I said via phone (twice) and via e-mail, that I was NOT ready to start. No, they wouldn’t hear it at all - not until I was sitting in their office with nurses approaching me with their needles, ready to draw blood. Then, I asked quite firmly, “Are you sure you want to draw blood today, because I’m still not ready to start chemo.” The room fell silent, including my doctor, who was speaking with a patient next to me. You could have heard a pin drop. Yes, they finally heard me and acknowledged that it needed to be my choice to allow them to pump those drugs into me. That appointment was an eye-opener for me, and I think also for the doc.

A couple days later, I had a dream that I was being treated. I was “plugged in”, and I was fine. I wasn’t having any side effects. I felt quite safe. Then, two women (a friend of mine, and another acquaintance) approached me to tell me they were just diagnosed with breast cancer, and they were quite panicked. Unfortunately, their situations were much worse than mine. I was doing ok. Remember, this was all a dream.

A couple days after that dream, I received a call from a friend. His daughter was just diagnosed with breast cancer this week and she wanted to talk to me. As it turns out, her cancer is more aggressive than mine.

We talked, and our conversation helped to shift my thinking. I decided to do chemo locally, and ironically, this woman found out she needed chemo right away. We were to start on the same week. We had our ports installed on the same DAY! She got going, and just hoped that it would “work”.

I, on the other hand, decided to have a problem with my original surgical incision, which delayed starting chemo by two days. On the next try, my body decided that I was too tired and needed to make more white blood cells. So twice now, I have TRIED to start chemo, only to be delayed again. Oh…what is the universe telling me?

I am scheduled to see the Tibetan doctor on Sunday.

Growing New Skin

2009-01-08T00:09:00.002-07:00

Happy New Year! I’m on the other side of surgery, and my body is healing. I’m actually shedding skin and growing anew. My chiropractor helped me get into a peaceful state prior to surgery, where I remained for multiple hours before going into O.R. Since then, the peaceful state comes and goes…

My mother visited to offer her support and help me while I recovered from surgery, and an amazing group of women coordinated an organic food drop-off at my place. I can’t believe the amount of support I’ve received!

The next phase of this journey is a bit more difficult than the surgery. I’m weeding through additional treatment options. Although there is NO indication there is any cancer left in my body, the doctors present all kinds of additional therapies along with their statistics, side affects and risks. I hate being in indecision – it’s almost worse than the treatment itself!

I’ve consulted with homeopaths, naturopaths, juice fasters, oncologists and surgeons. Everyone has their own story, their own perspective; new data that keeps on changing arrives in my in-box or voice mail nearly daily.

Although the analysis and decision-making continues, I feel it’s bringing me closer to peace with how I want the rest of my life to look. As for the cause of this disease, I've read that by the time you detect breast cancer, you've had it for eight years. I could speculate that this is a remnant of my old life-style, or it's the result of stress in the last two years, or a problem that's rooted in spirituality or karma, or the result of a lack of control of the mind, too much energy in the body...maybe the Tibetan doctor will know! It will help me evolve.

Here’s an interesting quote that spoke to me: “You can’t fly with part of a cocoon hanging onto your butt”

We do have free will, and I’m finding mine again.

As for that special friend…things are complicated.

Radioactive Waste & Good Vibrations

2008-12-04T00:37:00.005-07:00

A couple weeks ago, I was radiating.

I traveled to Washington state state for a PET and PEM scan. Radioactive serum was injected into me and I was told that no one should be near me for up to six hours afterward because they would be exposed to my radiation.

How is this different from the energy each person gives off? Does not the bad “mojo” that some carry around affect our cells? Suffice to say that each time I went pee after the test, I was leaving radioactive waste wherever I went. My dear friend was brave enough to sit with me in the room while I was scanned.

This process is helping me get more in touch with my feelings about everything! Children – whether or not I want them. Marriage – whether or not it’s right for me. Friends – it’s forced me to be very selective about whom I let into my life right now. Time – I put very little time into those not in my select circle. Love – clarifying the definition of love, and recognizing the types of love that are healthy for me.

My soul was bared when I had to confront a long time friend. I was afraid to tell him about my situation because I thought he would become very worried and emotional. The truth is, I was afraid I would become emotional. I know he cares deeply for me, and I was afraid to acknowledge that I care for him at a deeper level also. We were stuck – at a social event when he began asking me and my “radiation friend” details of our recent trip….What was going on? Did we shop? Is everything ok? My radioactive friend nearly spilled the beans and I promptly said “Let’s go!” But I didn’t make it out the door in time. The questions turned to me and then he simply said “It’s good to see you” - in that voice that means much more.

I lost it.

I couldn’t look at him. My eyes teared up. He hugged me and said, “No crying.” My radioactive friend said “Oh, you knew this was going to happen, let’s go!” We all left the scene promptly. No goodbyes. No turning around. I collected myself over the next few minutes, but I was a waste for the evening. Could it be that I was finally recognizing all the good “mojo” sent my way every time I was around this man? I was feeling it much more, and although still cautious of it, I was letting it permeate my cells. I was letting it in. And it felt so GOOD!

Later in the night, I became a good luck charm and won a decorated Christmas tree worth $600, which is now sitting nicely in my condo lighting up my world! I think I’m being slammed with good vibrations that we so often approach like radiation! “Is it safe?” “Will I be hurt?” “What are the long-term implications of this?” These are the vibrations of love!

The Day the Angels Came

2008-11-13T22:32:00.008-07:00

The photo above was taken from the roof of my building - with my cell phone. A friend of mine called me this night and said the "angel clouds" are coming! If you look closely, you can see the brightest parts of them. They were right over her house and headed my way. So I went to the roof to take a look. It also happened to occur within an hour of my being diagnosed with breast cancer.

I think most of my "readers" already know about the big "C" word. And as I've said, my body just likes to grow stuff. The last two weeks have been a whirlwind of information, decision-making, phone calls and investigation. Good thing I'm a Scorpio. Queen of investigators.

So I also had a big drama with my insurance company today, as they didn't want to pay for a necessary scan to determine whether or not I could keep my breast. Go figure. In the end, the procedure has been approved, but delayed after my doctors really went to battle for me. Today I'm thankful for pitbull doctors.

I sense that the tone of my posts may change going forward, and I may just ramble about my experience navigating through western (and possibly eastern) medicine. I would just like to know this...why does my body think I'm so old? And by the way....YEAH OBAMA!

Defining Moments in History...

2008-10-15T09:33:00.002-06:00

...as viewed from Montana.

I was recently on the East Coast, amidst the market meltdown, government bailout, and general economic woes. What's amazing to me, is the amount of anxiety that can be physically felt when in closer proximity to the chaos. More amazing, is that a large number of Montanans don't even realize they are living through a huge defining moment in history.

A friend in Montana e-mailed me while I was away, "None of my friends are even talking about the economy." Amazing! Is it good, or bad? Staying out of the anxiety is good, however, I think a lot of lessons can be learned by observing what is happening right now, and as a general rule, Montanans don't care. They are less affected by capitalism than most of the country. In fact, I recently told a former colleague that living in Montana was like living in a permanent recession.

Regardless, times are changing. BIG changes, and I just can't help being sucked in by history.

Indecent Proposal

2008-08-27T20:57:00.019-06:00

It's been a VERY strange day. Actually, a strange week. It must be going around. Yesterday, I found out I may lose my job because of a "cash flow" situation (ie. boss has been hiding old bills). When I asked him if I needed to look for a new job, he wanted to know if he could give me an answer next week. Next week! Uh...I said, "I think you just gave me my answer." So I went for a job interview today. Ironically, it's the same job I passed up three months ago when I committed to my current employer. No worries...time brings change and I anticipated this one.

What I didn't anticipate was receiving e-mails from an ex-boyfriend earlier this week. You remember...the one who dumped me and went back to his ex-fiance, who then became pregnant practically the first time they were in a room together (referenced in my "Men in Trees" post http://freewillinmontana.blogspot.com/2007/10/men-in-trees.html). Well, after a few e-mails back and forth, I figured out what he wanted. He wanted to come speak to me (intellectually, of course) about the downside of monogamy. Apparently, he and is wife believe in "progressive relationships", and he wanted my opinion "with no strings attached". Anger welled up inside me when he confirmed what he wanted from me...and I promptly let him have it via e-mail. How dare he try to pull me into their relationship again. The first time, I had been assured their engagement was off. Everyone had moved on. Only they lied to themselves and they lied to me. They had not completely moved on...and she came back as soon as she knew he was dating someone else. Near the end, it seemed like he wanted me to talk him out of going back to her. Instead, I let him know that he would choose his own path, and if he sought out pain, it would come to him. He simply couldn't resist it. He wanted to feed his pain-body. In any case, this sucking on my energy... their assumption that they can bring other people's energies in to "fix" whatever is wrong in their marriage enraged me!

I went to the roof to cool off. I wanted to be in a place where I felt protected and safe from these vampires. I knew if my friend were alive, I could go to his condo and he would tell me their proposal was outrageous. That I deserved much more than an "indecent proposal". This anger, and all the past feelings of hurt and resentment were whirling inside me all day. But on the roof, a BEAUTIFUL rainbow began to form. (I took photos with my cell phone so they don't do it justice.) First one side appeared, then the other, and also a second rainbow. It became the DEEPEST, most INTENSE double rainbow I have seen in my life, set against the back-drop of the Swan Mountains, and in the exact spot where I last saw my friend alive (on the roof). In fact, it felt like he was just sending a bit of inspiration to remind me of all things beautiful - to remind me that although people do awful things, and they act with ignorance, I set my own boundaries and can create the most awesome heaven on earth I want to create. I thank my angel friend for reminding me of that!

Urban Living in Montana and Sea of Change

2008-07-28T23:48:00.004-06:00

I’ve been silent lately because much has happened. I’ve gone from remote living with the elk, to buying a condo in Montana. Yes, who would have thought that a condo could be desirable in the state of Big Sky. Fortunately, we have amazing views from the roof.

My purchase wasn’t planned. But thanks to the vision of a great man who remodeled the building from something practical, to something spectacular, it became the home of some and the envy of many. I had been following the project for three years, the developer - my friend, the great man, the visionary, helped me land a unit after they were all sold out.

I was running a fast pace keeping up with the excitement of change. I closed in May, and moved quickly just after they turned the water to the building on. I remember my friend asking me when I would move in – when I told him I was ready, he said he was too.

Unfortunately, he died only a week after I moved in. Life slowed down after that.

Some nights I walk through the building and it feels like I’m the only one here.

Ironic that I moved here to be part of a community. I know the purpose will unveil itself in due time.

"Leap Year"

2008-03-03T20:15:00.004-07:00

Have any of y'all heard that Leap Year is the traditional day when a woman can propose to a man? A friend of mine recently told me that. I think it has something to do with expressing desires and "leaping" forward. Well, I didn't ask anyone to marry me...

As spring approaches, I also struggle with leaping forward. There's the nagging feeling of things my spirit is telling me to pursue -- long-range, BIG idea plans that I keep finding excuses for delaying. But my pocketbook and my mind reign in my spirit and tie it down...like a little calf being roped at a rodeo. I suspect nearly all humans have this. This nagging spirit talk, and this foreboding mind-talk hammering it down. When my mind isn't looking, I allow spirit to take little baby steps toward BIG ideas and start laying a platform for take off. I have to do this quickly before the mind and the pocketbook catch on and ruin the fun. I'll be happy when I can easily play this game and allow mind and pocketbook to think they have control while secretly scheming for my escape.

My power of place helps me -- and that is the house by the lake. I've spent the last two weekends there to clear my mind of clutter, and practice opening to new possibilities. When one has let go of so much expectation (of money, nice cars, stable living), I guess it's easier to do this. I still have an ego, but it's definitely been checked.

One of my necessary spirit treatments was to soak in a pink jacuzzi tub, while a porcelain statue of David stood over me :) I starred at the reflection of a light in the bathwater, and it almost appeared to be a tunnel -- as if looking up to the sky from inside a well, and someone was looking down at me. What if I am just a dream that someone else is dreaming? Could this all be a movie set in the great cosmos? And if so, do you think they would send some angel help down to me? And if this is really a movie that I planned before I got here, then I can change it now simply by intending my old self to change the plan. These are all questions I asked. Needless to say, it was a very long bath!

While away from the traditional Montanan spiritual pursuits, I've been doing everything from shuffling papers for a lawyer, small business consulting, modeling designer bra straps (yes, I said bra straps), and investing in oil wells. Hmmm...although I didn't LEAP in February, I sure did knock off a lot of new experiences! Yeeehaww...

On Goal Setting

2008-02-10T20:27:00.000-07:00

I had a really strange weekend, in which I was told I didn't know what I wanted. I'm glad people think they have the power to first read into my mind, and then to put words in my mouth.

So, feeling a bit self-conscious of being judged, I decided to talk to my parents about it. I figured, if anyone was going to judge me and say "Hey, They are RIGHT!", my parents would. And maybe they would give me a lecture to bring me back down to earth. Didn't happen.

They said, "So what! Who knows what they want?" "What's the big deal about setting goals?" "Life is about the journey, not the destination". Woah. If only they knew how many times I've heard that in the last two years.

Folks here just don't get it. Or maybe I've bumped into them to test my own conviction for living simply to experience living. I told a friend I wanted to experience everything, so why limit myself? I remain open, and if others deem that as not being specific enough about what I want, it's because life is a moving target. I hope they are happy in their corporate jobs, and their homes. I'll choose something more dynamic than that. Was Benjamin Franklin judged for flying a kite in the lightning?

"Good Wood"

2008-01-30T18:51:00.000-07:00

My typical process for enjoying a wood burning stove this winter involves going out to the shed every other day or so and bringing in a couple bunches of wood to dry. I trudge out in my baggy Dartmouth sweatpants - no one around except me and the trees and the five deer staring at me. I sing to them and they seem to like it. A couple of them even walked towards to me tonight.

When I trudge out in my sweatpants to do things like this, I’m reminded of my good friend Sue. Sue is in her fifties, highly intelligent, lives on a huge farm property in New England and is, of course, single. And she’s a little hottie! So am I! (Especially in my sweatpants:) It makes me wonder why women like us are single, and why we don’t have boyfriends or husbands helping us with rugged man-like tasks such as this. There must be a good reason – (Sidenote, I ran into an ex a couple nights ago, along with his new wife -- you remember -- the one with the "ex-girlfriend" whom he got pregnant. It was an akward encounter leaving me feeling relieved to not bear the burden of two babies and a full-time college student for a husband.) Maybe it's my attitude that leaves me to bear the burden of carrying the wood instead!

Anyway, regarding the wood – I spend quite a bit of time sitting in front of the fire writing whitepapers, and the Big Cat named Bob usually sits around with me. One night he was being a real pain in the ass; he just wouldn’t settle down. I had left the wood carrier sitting next to the fire and the next thing I know, I see Bob get in the wood carrier (which looks VERY similar to a kitty litter box). I’ve never moved so fast in my life! I got him out of the wood carrier while he was mid-squat. The wood carrier never sits inside the house anymore.

Other than that one incident, he’s really a very good cat. Really, he is!

Keeping with the “Good Wood” theme, here’s a link to a great local bluegrass band, “Good Wood” http://www.goodwoodband.org/snakeoil.html. I’m proud to say the rockin’ mando player, Christian Johnson, is a friend of mine.

Enjoy!

Synchronicities and Planning for One Lifetime

2008-01-26T14:56:00.000-07:00

Ok, Maybe I was wrong about Obama. The Clinton/Obama bickering doesn’t seem to be helping either one of them. Time will tell as the anti-Bush campaign rolls on.

I’ve recently learned that a health concern weighing on my mind is not such a concern after all. It is amazing how fear of loss, control and even death cripple us when it arises. Suffice to say, my outlook on life in general is much lighter. Fear is like a box that keeps us pegged. Much like a foreign currency can be pegged to the dollar (which would not be a great these days). Currencies want to fluctuate in and out of the box depending on what is happening in the local economy. For those fixed to the US dollar, they are controlled and going down.

Break open that box of fear, let it go and open the mind to the possibility of healing, and dreaming, and true miracles do occur.

For those who know me well, you know I’ve explored different modalities of healing over the last two years. Yesterday, I visited with a healer in Eureka, Montana who has helped me in the past. He says anything can be healed with the mind – a tumor, cancer, bone can grow. The body’s cells are constantly regenerating and it’s our mind that sends either positive or negative messages to those precious cells.

My healer friend also helped me to let go of expectations (mine and other’s expectations of me), or trying to “fit everything into one lifetime”. In his words, “Maybe you weren’t meant for that in this lifetime”. Our society is constantly gripping onto the idea that we must fulfill a broad range of requirements during this life. What if this lifetime is really just a chapter in a much bigger book? Doesn’t that feel better? Doesn’t it help to know we can live just one chapter – the chapter our intuition tells us to follow - and it’s OK?

My point here is that letting go of this fear, breaking open the box, allows the energy of conduits to come into our lives and line up precisely what we need in this lifetime…at least that’s my belief. More to come on this topic in the near future, as I feel a “connecting of the dots” is imminent for me.

2008 - The Change is Now

2008-01-07T18:07:00.000-07:00

Obama is leading the polls in New Hampshire

We are about to have our first African American president. When such a great change can occur, an even greater wave of innovations and change is bound to follow. As Obama would say “Ride the Wave”.

My local community here in Montana is struggling with development and change. Recycling and waste management implementation is like pulling teeth. Hard to imagine when the rest of the world is so far ahead of us – and we have these vast resources to protect. Instead, they are being abused.

Not much to write today, but I wanted to post these links to resources I’ve recently found which I find interesting for developing the mind:

http://www.getabstract.com/ – A Switzerland-based company that publishes 5-page abstracts on the latest business and leadership books.

http://www.analyzenow.com/ – advanced retirement planning tools developed by an MIT graduate and former engineer and president at Boeing.

http://current.com/items/77158622_changing_face_of_eureka_mt - The Changing Face of Eureka, MT – I predict, a great place to be.

And on Britney – I agree with the Guardian UK paper. Mental illness has turned into a spectator sport. She is not being treated like a human… BUT, she’s getting tons of media blitz and I predict she can and will turn this whole thing around. America likes nothing better than a come-back-kid. Within five years, she’ll be making more money than ever through movie and book rights.

Happy New Year!

The Hunters

2007-11-25T12:29:00.000-07:00

I've been sick for about a week now. Too much celebrating last week, and not enough sleep. Anyway, I was in bed for about four days and then one morning while I was still in my bathrobe and towel on my head, I heard a knock at the door. I hadn't seen anyone for days, and my body ached, but I was also BORED. When I answered the door (still in my bathrobe), there were two young hunters at the door....young, good-looking hunters! They explained they had shot a deer nearby on state land and wanted to cross my land to go get it. Had I been thinking clearly, I would have insisted they bring me some venison steaks later, but I was so in awe at seeing anyone show up at my door, let alone good looking men, I was pretty much speechless. (I think they were a little surprised to find a young woman in her bathrobe too!) You have to understand the irony of my giddiness. I HATE hunting. I don't like facial hair, yet these two had full beards (albeit, well-kept beards). Even so, seeing these two show up at my door was basically my thrill of the week. That's a pretty sad commentary on the state of things lately....

By the way, here is a cool You Tube video that was shared with me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBhFV_8RHKU

On Being a Hermit

2007-11-15T22:59:00.000-07:00

A lot of people come to Montana to escape from the world. They want to be alone, explore their spirituality, and put themselves into an incubator for re-birth. It can be a good thing, unless they decide to stay in the incubator forever.

I have been thinking about my status here for the last few days, and whether or not I'm one of "those" people. You know. The crazy Kazinski type that everyone thinks of when they hear "Montana". It's hard to believe people still jump to that visual first, but they do.

Well, an old friend must have read my mind today because when I told him I was sitting in front of a crackling fire, he e-mailed me to say (almost as if he had given up on me), that he assumes I've become a hermit. Well, I say to him that I've just taken a "time -out". We all have the right to take a time-out, re-calibrate, and prepare for reuniting.

Besides, another friend from Chicago sent me a photograph of his view (after seeing my view of he mountains). I dare say, his view of an empty lot and parked cars certainly makes being a "hermit with a view" feel ok for now.

We must remember, no matter what happens, that we are all here for a reason and life is to be treasured; to be enjoyed. We need to embrace change, and embrace our community – whether you live in a large city, or a small town. We are nothing without each other, and we are all one. To live separate from other people, is to live separate from yourself. My friend is right for balking at me, as if to say..."not too long".

Men in Trees

2007-10-29T17:32:00.000-06:00

I don't have a TV, but I have taken to catching up on the "Men in Trees" sitcom via the internet. It occurs to me there are many odd parallels between the show, and my experiences here in Montana. It leads me to wonder...why didn't I write about this stuff long ago. Maybe I could have written a sitcom.

The local bar, where there are mostly men, and burgers. And more scruffy old men. I met my friend Ellis at the local pub, and he proved to be a great swing dancer. If the ladies weren't available, or didn't dare swing with him after his many Seven and Sevens, he would simply pick up a bar stool and dance with it on the dancefloor, swinging it around his back and even dipping it! On some nights, he'd prefer to just go out there, and start doing push-ups on the dancefloor.

And the handsome character Jack, from "Trees", so much reminds me of the man I dated when I first moved here. He was an outdoors man, spiritual, and also had an ex-girlfriend. Only, when the ex-girlfriend came around, she soon became pregnant. And hence, "Jack" went back to his ex to have the baby and get married, as did my ex.

In "Trees", Anne Heche takes on a younger stud muffin with long hair as a live-in roommate. Well, I didn't take on a new roommate, but there was a younger buff man with long hair, who also liked to roam shirtless on many occasions.

So this all leads me to wonder, am I as messed up as the main character in "Trees", or is she really as together as they've recently portrayed her? Let's see if she soon leaves Alaska for a man overseas...

Freedom at a Price

2007-10-24T18:03:00.000-06:00

Lately, I've been discouraged at the pay rates here in Montana. What is a well-educated girl to do? I've done a little freelance writing and work for a local non-profit, but that does not pay the bills. And the funds from city living can not last forever (although I give myself credit for stretching them as long as I have!)

So, I contemplate what I'm giving up for living here. But as I look out my new window, I realize I have beautiful mountains, fresh air, and a fresh start.

I have a house-sitting job for the winter, whereby I only have to pay utilities. I am fortunate, and right now, frugal :) A dear friend of mine said to always remember we are carried; we are not alone.

Meanwhile, California is on fire and Georgia is running out of water. Those Californians may have the opportunity of a fresh start. They may all come here soon. So I count my blessings, and follow that little nudge inside that says I should stay here a little longer.

A Year Gone By

2007-08-27T12:15:00.000-06:00

Ok, so it's been almost a year since my first posting. I have many excuses. How about I've been living out of a suitcase, I was on a series medications that made the winter hardly bearable, and I had a long awaited surgery for a condition that had me completely worn down. Add on the emotional slump after breaking up with the man I moved to Switzerland for.

Inspiring, huh? Well, I feel the worst is over now. I had to take those chances and go through the fire. It leaves room for new birth. I've relocated back to Montana after being "stuck" in New England for about a year -- the benefits of which, I had an awesome surgeon in Boston, and I was able to truly connect with family again and appreciate what it means to have family. I can see that everything does happen in perfect timing and order. It reminds me of a quote "When God closes a door, he opens a window -- even if it is hell in the hallway"

I declare hell in the hallway as being over! It's time for the sunshine to come again. And so the process of crawling back into my own skin has started here in Montana...it's a slow process, requires patience of oneself, forgiveness, and GRATITUDE :)

Uprooted by Love

2006-09-19T14:01:00.000-06:00

In the last three months, I’ve moved to Switzerland for love, left Switzerland for lack of love, have no job, no place to live, find myself landing at friends’ homes in Montana and on top of it all, I missed my flight back to New England this morning! I didn’t think it was possible to miss a flight out of tiny Glacier Airport, but alas, it is!

And so once again, I am spending a night sleeping on a stack of Nepali rugs at a friend’s house. What better time to start my blog. I wanted to start it a year ago, but for some reason didn’t think I had enough material!
What was I thinking?

For those who know me from the East Coast, it might be surprising to think I’m the same cubicle-hopping, conservative-minded, condo-living person that packed up and drove to Montana two years ago. Since then, I’ve enjoyed a series of wonderful and synchronistic meetings, pleasant evenings and sunsets with friends, and a Montana-style job I never dreamed of! Life gets more and more interesting and I hope you’ll enjoy my stories of a life in transition - even the bumpy rides!

Welcome to my blog.